My Body's Reckoning

You are this body.

My body.

Loved and worn and weather beaten with breeze flowing through your hair and skin changing with the tides of life.

There were times when you were profoundly forgotten, derelict like a house that has been abandoned.

Other times I tried to fill you to the brim so that I would feel full and safe in my surroundings.

But the question of whether I have ever really loved you is an easy one to answer.

So. I haven’t.

We have been on bad terms and better ones. But good?

Maybe for a moment or two.

When you bent to my will and made me feel like I could do anything to you to turn you into something I might love.

As middle age encroaches, I know I must find a way to make peace with you once and for all.

You don’t care about my will anymore. You won’t bend to it.

But you will also never break.

You have been through a lot and the scars I bear to show your growth are nothing that gives me shame.

There are parts of you that I am so very proud of.

That I would wantonly show to the world.

That doesn’t mean they are not scarred and pocked and marked and perhaps even misused, but they do not cause me shame.

A friend thinks it’s crazy that I have no body shame despite the fact that I am not in love with the way my body looks.

But it was the way that I was raised.

It does not have to be beautiful to be seen and to be enjoyed.

To be yours and to be on display.

I have come to realize that the fear and shame isn’t because I hate myself or my body but because I am afraid of losing everything I love.

I fear that I will wither into invisibility while taking up too much space.

Drown in my own loneliness because I’ll be deemed “too much.”

But too much for whom and what or who am I taking space from?

If I can past the fear of unloveability, “unfitness,” I will be able to rest easy in the curves of my body and soul.

If I can fight the demon that equals fat with unworthiness, then I will win the war that is waged on all of us women and girls.

If I can believe, truly believe, that I am worthy no matter what, than the world is going to have to make room for me in all my goddamned glory.

There is a reckoning in me.

It's coming.