Hilar-Terrible Truths of Motherhood

I don't think that I have to remind you that I didn't think much of mothers until I became one.

It's not like I willfully disdained of mothers, I just had trouble conceiving (punny) myself as one. This, understandably, lead to a conflict in my being a mother while also realizing that motherhood was a less than thrilling proposition for me.  

At the heart of it, motherhood didn't appear very glamorous to me and, despite the fact that no one would accuse me of being glamorous, I didn't want something that seemed so replete with work and seemingly no play. I can see that I was wrong now, mostly because all I do now is play (albeit with a two year-old dictator running the show), but there remains a lot of work which is both funny and also sometimes awful. 

So here is my list of hilar-terrible truths of motherhood. 

  1. No matter how many times a mother says this, I can't agree more: Having a long, unhurried, uninterrupted shower becomes equivalent to your most luxurious space day you ever had but which you probably never had because you were an asshole like me and thought you would also have your freedom to do whatever you wanted and then your selfish dreams were crushed by a beautiful child entering your life. FACK! I know. 
  2. Sex seems like something hilarious you used to do before you realized that it could result in the production of a demanding little human. 
  3. Daydreams and fantasies are now filled with having enough time to get a pedicure. Just one f-ing pedicure. Can I get an amen!?
  4. Hangovers are not for the faint of heart but are instead anxiety-inducing, shame-filled horror shows that may or may not occur after two glasses of Shiraz. 
  5. The little tiny human you made will most likely turn on you and start eating your breakfast even though they should probably already understand that 100% of Mommy's pleasure receptors are only aroused by food. Preferably greasy food that is covered in greasier gravy. 
  6.  As your tiny human grows, EVERYTHING they do is amazing which means, effectively, that you've done lost your mind, girl. 
  7. You struggle with the fact that your two year-old would LOVE RuPaul's Drag Race (which you are currently rewatching because it remains the best show on television in history EVER) but that they say motherf*cker more than you're potty-mouthed relative/friend who shall not be named but who will never meet your child in the flesh. 
  8. You schedule hair appointments as though it is a secret love tryst that you share with no one and enjoy with the same intensity as if it were a tryst because someone massages your scalp at the end (and if your lucky, let's you have a smoke. Kidding! Or am I!?!?! ...No, I really am. Smoking is gross. Don't do it kids, Mama Jacks says!).
  9. You will want ALL THE STUFFED TOYS while refusing to call them stuffies because you grew up in the '80s and therefore know that calling them stuffies is stupid because they ARE CALLED STUFFED TOYS.
  10. You get so, so, so emotional when watching the climax of Moana (no matter how many times) that you figure you're pregnant so you count your birth control pills with one hand while holding Draino to drink in the other and then when you find that they are all there, you use the Draino to unclog the tub drain that is constantly getting clogged because your rarely wash your hair and when you do, it all falls out because - I dunno, I guess - hormones or some shit?
  11. Google/social media algorithms will know you better than you know yourself. Example: Facebook ads think that I am a big, beautiful hippie girl who loves new age products, buying girl's dresses and tiny plastic durable shoes, anything unicorn and flowy-dress-related, but who gets enraged at the suggestion that she should diet. Also: Jewelry. It's like they have a window into my soul.
  12. You become a monster who loves their child more than their pets. You may even want to give your pets away. Especially when they need to be fed or given attention. 
  13. You consider dieting the baby weight away but then you'll buy SlimFast and only drink it as a dessert after a real meal. This one I highly recommend. 
  14. People think you're amazing for working and taking care of your kid without realizing that: 1) They totally did that too; and 2) This is what is expected of women (and parents generally) and that probably the real heroines are the mamas who stay home with their kids 24/7 and don't do the Draino thing mentioned above roughly ever 17 seconds. Work is my refuge, and forever may it be. At least until she's roughly 27ish. 
  15. You talk more about body parts and bodily functions than you ever thought possible but you're cool with it because bodily functions, especially, are HILAR.

There's more but this hilar-terrible list is depressing but only cause I'm hungry. 

Who's a girl gotta talk about toots with to get a poutine around here?