Monster Mamas, Trying Toddlers, & The Dorbsness
I'm not the first to describe toddlers as drunken tyrants who are alternatively the most precious and most annoying humans on earth. I recently read something somewhere about how they fall down with comedic precision, usually just after doing something infuriating, probably because it's an evolutionary adaptation that helped to keep them alive. Toddlers tug at your patience tethers sometimes because of the following things (as I write this my daughter in informing me/us that she spit of the food I just gave her by shoving it as closely as possible as she can to my face. Please also note that she should be in bed):
- As I just mentioned, between the time you were pregnant and aghast at other people's bodily functions and now (whenever "now is for you), you have become accustomed to having people regularly spit unwanted bits of food - their own and your pets' food - into your hand. Actually - you know OFFER your hand, because the alternatives are the floor or between the couch cushions so it's technically less work - especially if you've become the kind of monstrosity that I have who sometimes even EATS the food just regurgitated into your palm. Okay, maybe this only happened once with a soggy McNugget, but still.
- There's the whole sniffing another human's bum that gets totally normalized. As does asking someone if they are pooping/have just pooped. And following that question up with a "good girl!" That's only going to get worse when we potty train and I'm denial-y hopeful that we'll get to skip that stage. I warn you not to contradict my delusion.
- You start to say weird things like, "If you put your foot on the table again, your going to have to go have some quiet time" which isn't really quiet time at all because you know if it does happen, it will just result in your toddler screaming at the top of their lungs from their crib because they don't really get "consequences for actions" until they are about 30.
- Your having a conversation with another adult and realize that your toddler is shoving their hand down your top. Your first thought is, hey, she's being quiet, before you realize that your should put the kibosh on that because before you know it, she'll have her own shirt off and be slapping her belly and talking anatomy.
- You have a person in your house who actively terrorizes your pets and you haven't asked them to leave. Make that, you haven't insisted they leave.
- You say someone's name SO MANY TIMES A DAY even though they only listen/respond to it 0.5% of the time.
- Toddlers steal all the good bites of your food but refuse to eat anything off their own plate.
- They loudly say things like "STINKS!" at weird times.
- They sometimes pee on the floor.
As we all know, there is a flip-side which I like to call The DORBNESS. The Dorbsness is characterized by the following:
- Toddler face grabbing where they put your face in their hands and gaze at your lovingly.
- They say things like, "I want to see Mommy" when you are right there but they make it seem like you've been gone on a mission to Africa for two years.
- They spontaneously say "WUV YOU MUMMY" and you just, well, DIE because due to the amazingness of it all.
- Toddlers will request that you sing them to sleep when have never done so before and then insist you don't stop the "music." Like they are Rihanna or something.
- They make you have spontaneous kitchen dance parties. And bathroom dance parties. And living room dance parties. And well, everywhere dance parties. Dance parties are the best.
- They hold your hand.
- They say things like, "My hand stitee" [sticky] and they mix up octopus and applesauce as words but not things.
- They hug your pets.
- They are the best snugglers. That is, when they sit long enough to snuggle.
- Finally, when you buy them a poop emoji keychain that they say they don't want five seconds later, you are still a winner because they can't stop saying "poomogee" which is just the best thing ever.
Yes, toddlers are insane and adorable and the most precious things ever. And that's just life. Until I write all of the exact same things for my fifteen year-old cause I hear they are totally bonkers too.
So much to look forward to!
No but really. There is.