Today is One of Those Days
Today is one of those days where morning comes to early and you'd hoped beyond hope for maybe a half hour more. How (un?)fortunate that I get thrown directly back into the deep and muddy mommy trenches just after I share my nugget of wisdom about everything passing.
Sometimes platitudes don't work on the tired.
While I do know this week of no sleeping will pass - and better - that it probably indicates that she's growing and changing and moving toward improved sleep in the long run, it doesn't change the pit in my stomach, that my eyes are burning with fatigue and that I, laughably, have to get up, get myself together, and face the day.
Times like this make it hard to keep the negative thought-wolves at bay. A few days of rough sleep can be painful but doable. When the no sleeping, and lack of quality of life it brings, starts to drag on a bit, things can get tense, inside and out. Every mother, every parent, has laid down beside their wide awake child and has simply prayed, even when they thought that they'd left that faith business behind (or that they'd never had it) years before, they pray for even five more minutes. They don't dare think about they days when they could sleep until noon, with nary a care, because it's a waste of their precious resource, energy, and because it's simply too painful.
If we reflect, we might regret, and regret leads to a dark tunnel that gets trickier and trickier to escape from.
Instead, we rely on coffee and try to find ways to comfort ourselves because, let's face it, mamas need comfort too. I think that the reason that women need their mothers so much when they have children is because it reverts you to childhood in so, so many ways. Sometimes, more often that I am willing to admit, all I want is for my mom to stroke my hair and tell me it'll be okay. I pity the woman whose mother has passed or is absent because I couldn't survive without my mother as my safety net. As the person who was there for me at the beginning. Of everything. And continues to be there. Through everything. Still.
I hope I'm that person for Aya for as long as is possible. But I really just need some sleep first.