Not Exactly Pooping Rainbows
I decided to do a cleanse because I felt I needed to do something. About all the poutine and the chicken nuggets. About the no exercise and the no green food unless half-licked green lollipops count.
Sometimes we reach a point. And then that point pushes us over the edge. Well…almost.
This is my second cleanse which I have only been mildly successful at. Both times I have become overwhelmed emotionally and I have stopped or altered what I am doing because of it. Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a carrot-juice-drinking-enema-inducing-borderline-disordered-eating kind of cleanse. I wouldn't voluntarily subject myself to one of those mostly because if I don’t eat solids I would stab people. But I digress.
The point is, I cleansed more than my body. Not to be too dramatic, but I might have also cleansed my soul.
My goal for the cleanse was to begin to “put myself first.” Now all mothers know that this is profoundly societally frowned upon because we are supposed to be selfless guardian angels of poop and baby slobber or something. Also, I ashamedly admitted to myself prior to the cleanse, that I just wanted to get a piece of my “old self” back – that pre-baby nostalgia that creeps up and has you believe that you were very svelte and that you used to shit rainbows that were delicately peppermint-scented prior to pushing a baby out. But during the cleanse, I had this powerful realization that, not only did I not have to go back to rainbow-shitting, I also can and do have the time for myself (however I define that) IF I MAKE MYSELF A PRIORITY. Holy f*cking shocker, am I right!?!? Like, I mean, along with losing pelvic floor control, I apparently also lost my ability to make common sense realizations without giving up caffeine, gluten, dairy, and alcohol.
The point of my story is no matter how aware we think we are, no matter how much we think we are resisting the status quo of Motherhood, sometimes we get caught up in the bullshit that tells us to put ourselves last. To let life and everyone around us squeeze us like a sponge and only give ourselves whatever is left over. Well, let me just say a big FUCK THAT to those extremely common and ordinary beliefs that many of us have internalized as just part of motherhood when they are actually the total definition of gender inequality which is so insidious that it makes us think there is something wrong with us and we look around and say, wait – this isn’t really working for me.
If it’s not working for you, change it. Make YOU a priority. I don’t care how. I don’t care when. DO IT. No one (no matter how great your partner is) is going to say – here you go, here’s all the free time in the world to carry out your life’s desires! Just figure out a way to do it and start. I don’t care how small a step it is because I promise it will change your relationship to everything and everyone around you.
And I just want to thank gluten and dairy, particularly cheese, for being there for me for all these years and, most of all, for helping me make sense of my life.