Top Ten Things You Don’t Want Once You Have a Kid

10. Pets (except a puppy cause you want a puppy but then you know you’d just ignore it until you gave it to your parents cause that’s where everything goes that needs to be “rehomed”)

9. Your period (maybe also your vagina and boobs? This is not saying the only function of these “womanly parts” is for child-rearing but after your kid has sucked all the good out of your “fun bags” perhaps a new name for them needs to be considered).

8. Responsibilities

7. Drama

[Apparently number 6 because I forgot it on the list the first go-around. MOM BRAIN AMIRITE?!?!?!]

5. To ever cook again. Or meal plan. Or grocery shop. Or leave the house.

4. Hair on any part of your body (or really anything that needs maintenance – also: nails, toenails, plants, a house, relationships)

3. To exercise

2. A washing machine or dryer (cause you just have to use them – ALL THE TIME)

1. Another kid (maybe that’s just me)


And Then Some Things You Can’t Live Without

Your kid

Your partner

Your mother




That order checks out.